An educational essay for those who are starting their brand new life as weresquirrels and need a bit of advice.
So You’ve Just Become a Weresquirrel
If you’re reading this pamphlet it can mean only one of two things. You may be about to enter a brand-new stage of your life full of possibilities, opportunities, and acorns. Or you may be a dimwitted, slobbering oaf who thinks they’re being clever by trying to learn our secrets. But if your small brain can’t even resist chasing cars, we can’t fathom what insights you think you might obtain reading this, if you can even read it all the way through to the end that is. As for the rest of you.
Congratulations, you are now a weresquirrel. You might find this positive tone confusing if you were just very recently converted. But trust us. After the initial shock wears off you will realize your life is a 100% improvement with your new supernatural squirrel abilities. And all you have to do to pay for it is spend one night a month as a squirrel. In exchange, you gain so many benefits, and over time you’ll probably come to see squirrel night as a benefit too. We’ll get to those benefits and perks of being a weresquirrel in a bit. But first you probably have a very pressing question.
How did this happen?
That is a very good question, and the answer is going to vary based on your personal experience. The most common way to become any kind of were-animal is of course to be bitten by another. A bite or scratch from another weresquirrel would be enough to convert you over. However, as we are not violent by nature, and in fact have considerable self-control, being bitten by a weresquirrel is an exceptionally rare method of conversion. In fact, most cases of bites are often people requesting the bite so they too can experience the joy that comes with being a weresquirrel. Of course, accidents happen. Maybe you tried to feed what you thought was a normal squirrel a nut, and they accidentally nipped your finger grabbing it. Or perhaps a squirrel needing to get somewhere quick had jumped onto your back momentarily and accidentally scratched you with your claws. If anything like this happened: mystery solved. But for most of you, the answer will be a little more complex.
Many of the most common ways of becoming a were-animal do not apply to weresquirrels. The classic of wearing magical pelts doesn’t really work when the pelt you have to put on to change is several times smaller than you. Making pacts with devils or demons is also unlikely as they tend to prefer more meat-headed dolts, whereas most weresquirrels fall on the clever side. So what did cause it?
Well, while you can’t blame the devil you might be able to blame a faerie. They also enjoy making pacts, and tend to have a sense of humor. It may be that a faerie promised you certain improvements in your life, that you’d be faster, more alert. Maybe they even told you about the shapeshifting. Of course, being the characters that they are, they may have led you on into believing they were going to turn you into something else. Never outright lying, but saying just enough and letting you fill in the blanks to think you were agreeing to become a werewolf or something. In this type of case you might think you were played, but trust us. By the end of the pamphlet you will understand the faerie did you a favor and you should consider sending them a thank you card and gift. A bowl of cream is always a popular item, and keeping faeries in good humor in general is never a bad idea. Especially since it is very important to understand that if your weresquirrelery is from direct involvement with a faerie, then you are not cursed. You are blessed. You have received a boon. You must never, ever, under any circumstances, refer to your transformation as being a curse. The faeries can be fickle, and easily upset if you are displeased with their gift.
But the most common way of becoming a weresquirrel comes as a result of consuming nuts or berries. There are many forests in the world full of magic. Oftentimes it is not always obvious. A normal mortal human usually has no way to perceive magic and so can’t tell when an area has an unusually high amount of mana flowing through it. Magic is closely tied to life, and so places full of life like many forests tend to have a higher concentration of mana within them in general. In some areas, the concentration of mana becomes strong enough to actually create supernatural manifestations, resulting in an enchanted forest. This is usually the combination of multiple qualities that cause an area to have an increased amount of mana coming together at once. As mentioned, an area full of life is one. Being on the coordinates of specific ley lines is another way you can get an increase of mana. A place that may be sacred by some kind of god, spiritual entity or faeries will naturally also increase the mana level. And something as basic as being an area where spells were commonly used, such as a place where druids once gathered, can also increase the mana level. There are several variables in play. The end result is there was enough mana for it to impact the forest creating enchantments. In extreme cases you may encounter all sorts of magical creatures within the forest. If you saw a unicorn, you were definitely in an enchanted forest.
NOTE: If you run into a unicorn, do not approach the unicorn. Do not make eye contact with the unicorn. Do not attempt to make casual conversation with the unicorn. The best course of action is to pretend you didn’t see them and quickly walk away. If a unicorn attempts to engage you, it is recommended that you quickly and politely inform them that you have an urgent appointment and must leave immediately. If you are unable to follow these steps, you are in danger of catching a unicorn’s attention. And with their attention comes hours-long speeches about how superior and perfect they are, and how beautiful their mane is today, and how lucky you are to be graced by their presence, and how only the purest of souls can approach them and so on. (Side note: the ‘purest of souls’ is a load of rubbish, since otherwise no unicorn would ever be able to get within a mile of another unicorn.) The narcissism of a unicorn can result in several days of it forcing you to listen to it compliment itself and so you must take all possible actions to get as far away from it as quickly as possible.
Unicorns aside, enchanted forests are a place of wonder and mystery. And they are well, as their name implies, enchanted. As a result, eating nuts or berries grown in such a forest can be the catalyst that causes you to transform into a weresquirrel. If this is what caused your transformation, then you should count yourself lucky. It’s dangerous to go around just eating random berries you find in the forest. You could have easily been poisoned. That was very irresponsible of you, and you’re lucky you were in a magical dreamland forest instead of a normal one or you’d be dead instead of fluffy. At least your new senses will help you have a bit more sense about what you should and shouldn’t eat. See more in perks.
Faerie pacts and enchanted forests are the two most common ways of becoming a weresquirrel. But there are other catalysts as well. In case none of the above scenarios apply to you we will quickly cover some other known common causes of a weresquirrel transformation so you can know exactly what caused this change.
Witches, wizards, warlocks, and any magic user can be responsible. They may have transformed you into a weresquirrel as a reward for helping them. Or they may have done it as a curse because they’re short-sighted idiots who don’t realize giving someone superhuman agility, reflexes and senses is not a punishment. It’s also possible an incompetent spellcaster turned you into one on accident.
Another is a more extreme example of an enchanted forest situation. Some areas are forbidden for humans to ever step foot into. Should you enter an area you might find yourself suddenly transformed into a squirrel until you leave. Note, if this was the catalyst for your transformation, you will not have transformations tied to the moon and should be able to switch forms anytime you want so long as you are outside the area humans are forbidden to enter.
It may also be the work of a magical trickster. The good news is many of them are actually quite thoughtful, and will send you a care package for your first transformation that often includes some honey roasted almonds, bottles of fresh spring water, and a little tiny cloak that you can wear in squirrel form. Again, much like with faeries, it doesn’t hurt to send a magical trickster a thank you card. They work very hard at their job and they always appreciate those who show them proper appreciation.
Another way to become a weresquirrel is to have simply always been one. The spell was just dormant in you. The magic that makes a weresquirrel can be passed down from generation to generation and can often skip several generations in a row. Those who have a dormant weresquirrel spell in them usually have it activated by one of two methods. For some, their genetic makeup or general aptitude for magic causes the spell to simply turn on by itself. If your first transformation occurs on or right after your thirteenth birthday, this is most likely the scenario. For others, exposure to any form of magic can awaken the dormant spell inside of you. It doesn’t matter if a spell was placed on you or you visited a location with a strong mana flow. Being in the vicinity of magic is enough to wake up the dormant spell. In both of these cases, you have a parent, grandparent or possibly long- dead ancestor to thank for your new gift.
By now, you should have enough information to deduce how you became a weresquirrel. The next question on your mind is probably ‘What do I do now?’ And for this we will split our advice into two sections.
First, did you discover that you’re a weresquirrel by transforming into a squirrel on a full moon? If this is the case, you have already been through your first transformation so know what to expect. But you must decide how to handle any witnesses to your metamorphosis
Are they trustworthy? Great! Confide in them. They can help you work doors and windows, and leave caches of nuts for you.
Are they untrustworthy? You must convince them that they must have been dreaming or hallucinating. This is surprisingly easy. The human mind seems strangely well programmed to reject information it sees with its own eyes if it doesn’t match up with its understanding of the world.
As you’ve already transformed once, the worst is over. Usually the main problem with becoming a weresquirrel is the initial shock and confusion of what has happened to you. You’ve already been a squirrel and you have this helpful pamphlet to explain everything so you’re through the worst of it. All you need to do now is be conscious of the lunar calendar and be ready for future transformations.
If you have not yet transformed into a weresquirrel and are reading this before your transformation, we have advice for you as well. Having the foresight of knowing you’re going to become a squirrel will make everything a lot easier. So here are a few things to know.
You do not need to strip before the moon rises, but you may find it helpful. Your body is going to be much smaller when you transform into a squirrel. So unlike certain brutes, you won’t rip or tear whatever you happen to be wearing. There are a few rare exceptions if you’re wearing something made of a delicate material and your tail grows in before your body starts shrinking. But in most cases, your outfits are going to be perfectly fine. However, you may still wish to strip before the change, because your clothing is going to suddenly be much larger than you and you risk getting tangled up in it. This is not a huge issue if you’re in the safety of your own home and have time to free yourself from your now-giant clothes; but it can prove to be dangerous if you happen to be out and certain slobbering brutes notice you before you are able to free yourself.
Regardless of whether you remove your clothing or not, we do recommend you remove all piercings. The pierced parts of your body are going to regenerate. Thankfully, you are tougher than a normal squirrel, so if you start shrinking your piercings will not tear into your smaller body. Instead, your tougher body will break whatever jewelry you happen to be wearing, which is always a fashion faux pas.
Your jaws will also be quite a bit smaller, and so fake teeth or teeth with crowns or fillings may cause a slight amount of pain as you change. The good news: your weresquirrel body is once again tougher than your normal body. And while you might experience some pain, and possibly cough up a couple of teeth, this is a quick and temporary process. After the transformation is complete, you will have a full set of healthy squirrel teeth. And when the transformation reverts, you will have a full set of healthy human teeth. This also means you’ll never have to visit a dentist again. See more in perks.
Whether or not you’ve already transformed, there are many ways to make your future transformations safer and more pleasant.
Put some thought into the location where you’re going to change if you have the option. You may feel safer staying inside your home for the entire night; but you will no doubt start to feel cooped up and, well, squirrely. The best practice we can recommend is to transform in your home, but leave a window open so you can easily come and go as you please. Your mind may still be human, but your body is an animal and it craves freedom, not to be cramped up in one room all night. Just ensure you keep an eye on the moon and are watching the time. You’ll want to make sure you get back through your window before the sun comes up. Climbing into a bedroom window is going to be a lot harder if you’re human, especially if your window isn’t on the first floor. Don’t cut things close. Try to be home at least an hour before sunrise to avoid risk getting stuck outside. You may or may not find changing back and being naked in public embarrassing, but there are certain laws that exist for strange human reasons that can get you in a lot of trouble for running around naked in human form.
If you are not at home or unable to set up a secure area for your transformation, then you’ll want to find a secluded place at your current location to hide your clothes. Bushes, shrubs, or any form of vegetation are usually ideal. If the area you’re in lacks vegetation, consider looking for a rocky area where you might be able to bury your clothes beneath some rocks or make sure they’re hidden from sight. Remember where you hide your clothes so you can come back to them before the transformation ends so that you can get dressed. Make sure your clothing is well hidden. You don’t want someone finding them and taking them while you’re out living your best squirrel life. If possible, use a heavy rock, tree limb, or other object to hold the clothes firmly in place so you don’t have to worry about a random animal getting curious and dragging them off either.
With your clothing secure and location secure, simply allow the transformation to take place. It may feel weird the first time, and the world might feel more imposing with how much smaller you’ll be, but these feelings will pass in time as you get used to the changes. If you’re nervous, let your instincts take over. Unlike other savage beasts, you are not a menace to local farm life or citizens. You can let your inner squirrel take control and just spend the night on autopilot getting used to how your body works.
However, you may still want to spend some time practicing climbing trees. You’ll find it easy, so easy in fact you may question why we even recommend practicing. The reason for this is sadly that, though your weresquirrel body is tougher than a normal squirrel, there are still quite a few beasties out there who are a lot tougher. And certain snobbish brutes tend to really have it in for squirrels. Luckily, they can’t climb trees. This is actually hilarious, because in their normal human forms they could probably climb a tree just fine. But suddenly they have claws that should make it easier and they just forget how to do it. They can jump a surprising height though, so if you’re going to engage in some good natured heckling at their expense (and they really deserve it honestly), make sure that you are at the highest branch possible. The downside is you may be stuck waiting in the tree for a while as the dolt continues to claw at the tree and howl. Much like you though, they have a deadline of sunrise, and so should leave you alone with enough time for you to get back to your secure location before sunrise. If they don’t, feel free to chastise them for their stupidity after changing back. If you get in any kind of trouble for public nudity, throw them under the bus, say they stole your clothes or something. It’s their fault for spending the entire night chasing you up a tree in the first place.
In most cases you should have a peaceful night, simply exploring the area around you and getting to know it in a more familiar way than you ever did before. You’ll most likely find some delicious nuts to snack on, and a tree with a good view that just really helps you appreciate the beauty of life and nature.
Speaking of nuts. You may wish to keep a regular supply of different nuts in your home. You’re a small squirrel, so it doesn’t take a lot to feed you, but shapeshifting does burn calories so you are going to be hungry after your change. You can often buy inexpensive nuts from the store to fill your belly with before you start your night-time adventure so you don’t have to worry about foraging. And of course if you have the money to spare, you can go for some of the more delicious gourmet nuts and treat yourself After all, you’re going to be a squirrel. Any specialty nuts will be far more appreciated in this form with your enhanced senses than your boring old human form.
Note, despite this fact, it has been noted that many weresquirrels continue to have cravings for nuts even after their transformation has ended and they returned to human form. This is a normal and common side effect and easy enough to handle. You can buy various nuts in bulk at most major grocery stores, and it’s a perfectly normal snack for humans, so no one is going to consider it suspicious. Just remember: when you are human, eat your nuts like a human. Don’t hold your hands close to your mouth while you nibble on a single nut. This will get you a lot of stares and a lot of awkward questions.
Being a weresquirrel is a wonderful existence, and most things should come naturally by instinct after you’ve transformed and given yourself time to calm down. Don’t think of this as a monthly curse you have to deal with, but as a monthly vacation from the monotony of human life, where you can have an existence that is both simpler and more exciting at the same time. You may even be tempted to stay in squirrel form forever and give up on your human life. And to that, our kind lawyers would like us to remind that though you are responsible for your own decisions in life you should carefully consider the ramifications of whatever actions you take and what they may have not only on yourself and on other people. It’s a super awkward position to make a new tree your home then have someone post a missing person notice about you on it. Our lawyers advise us to remind you that you have a lot of connections in the human world and so should definitely consider not giving it up no matter how great being a squirrel is. And it is great, and we will cover why, but our lawyers were adamant that we say this.
Now, it’s time to finally talk about those promised perks and why being a weresquirrel is such a wonderful experience.
The first perk should be obvious. You get to turn into a squirrel. If you don’t understand why that’s awesome, then we wish to offer our most sincere condolences that you have lived a life without knowing true joy up till now. But that time has come to an end! Every full moon you’ll be forced into squirrel form. But after your first transformation you change back and forth between squirrel and human at will, day or night. This does require some practice to get the hang of. Our own weresquirrel experts recommend taking the time to learn to shapeshift at will during a long weekend or vacation so that you have time to get things fixed if you wind up having a problem like still having a tail in human form, accidentally keeping squirrel ears, or winding up as a squirrel-sized human. When it comes to shapeshifting, it’s a matter of will and imagining yourself in the form you want. Practice makes perfect. Just make sure you have plenty of time to practice so that you don’t find yourself in an embarrassing or compromising position. Most weresquirrels report it taking an average of 2-4 days for them to gain full mastery of their ability to shapeshift. Experiences vary from person to person. Do not get frustrated if it takes you longer to get the hang of changing forms. Remember, everyone learns at their own pace and you’ll get there. Then squirrel time anytime will finally be yours.
Aside from being able to turn into a squirrel, your human body will also be enhanced thanks to your new shapeshifting capabilities. You will have reflexes and agility far surpassing that of a normal human. Note, results may vary here. Obviously, if you’re more physically fit, you’re more likely to wind up with a superhuman level of reflexes and agility. If you live a sedentary lifestyle and as a result are not quite in the best shape of your life, then you’re going to be a little bit slower. Your reflexes will still be high above average compared to other humans, but you might not quite reach that superhuman level. But,that doesn’t mean you can’t reach it if you want to! Going into squirrel form is a great way to get exercise, burn calories, and build up some muscle. All the work of running, climbing and leaping you do in squirrel form will carry over to your human form. So, if you spend a lot of time running around in squirrel form, you will become more physically fit as a human, and far faster than any exercise regime would allow. This might raise questions for anyone who knows you well enough to suddenly notice a change in body shape and energy. If they’re someone you trust, you can tell them the truth, because again, it’s always useful to have a friend who can work doors for you while in squirrel form. If they’re not someone you trust, say you started taking yoga. People will buy this excuse easily. If they pressure you for where you’re taking lessons at, give them the name of a made up yoga studio that is made of incomprehensible gibberish so that anytime they claim to have not found it you can tell them they got the spelling wrong, or if they asked you to write it down, flash a sheepish smile and talk about how embarrassing it is you can’t even spell the name of your own yoga studio. If they don’t give up and keep pressuring too much, tell them that your teacher went on a journey of self-discovery traveling the world, and so the studio has been temporarily shut down. But you will definitely introduce them to your yoga instructor when they finally return. Then never bring it up again. If they do, you haven’t heard anything about your yoga instructor since they decided to go backpacking through the Himalayas. If someone is being really, really pushy about it, the producers of this pamphlet would like you to know one of the many services our company offers is fake greeting cards sent from anywhere in the world. For just $10, we’ll have a fake card drawn up and sent to you from the location you want, signed by whatever name you make up and you can have it as physical evidence of the last time you were in contact with your instructor.
Now then, in addition to your physical enhancements, there will also be a change in your tastebuds. You’re going to find naturally occurring foods more appealing than most processed food. On one hand, this might make your grocery bill a little bit higher due to buying organic nuts, fruit, and–if you can still stomach the taste of it–meat. On the other hand, it makes it super easy to maintain a healthy diet, since your body will prefer healthier foods. In addition, if you are unable to afford the more expensive grocery bill, you can try eating all your meals in squirrel form once you have shapeshifting down. After all, it takes a lot fewer nuts to fill up a squirrel than a human.
Another benefit: you are now super easy to shop for when it comes to birthdays and holidays. Regardless of if your family knows about you being a weresquirrel or not, you can tell everyone that you’re really into gourmet nuts. This is a snack that many people enjoy, and there are often gift tins available around the holidays.
You also will gain the ability to perform complex math in your head. You won’t realize you’re doing it, and the numbers won’t be in your mind. But when you’re jumping from one tree branch to another, there are a number of factors in play, including your speed when running across a branch, wind velocity, the distance between the two branches, the stability and length of each branch, while also accounting for possible predators both in the sky and on the ground. Despite the fact that your brain might be tiny while in squirrel form, you’ll be able to account for all these variables faster and easier than you can as a human to the point that you will be able to figure it all out and make the jump without even consciously thinking about it. Unconsciously running complex trigonometric calculations about physics without even realizing it is pretty good. We’re not going to say squirrels are the smartest beings in existence, but we are going to say that you may want to look into getting help from a squirrel if you ever need tutoring in math.
One perk so many weresquirrels fail to utilize is having a friend or group of friends who know about your secret, who you can hang out with while in squirrel form. In addition to being able to operate doors as mentioned earlier, they’re great for providing protection, as they are less likely to be the target of an ambush predator than you. Not to mention, squirrels are adorable. This may be your friends’ only chance to pet and feed a squirrel without it running away. You may worry that being treated like some kind of pet sounds dehumanizing, but that’s just because you haven’t had your every whim cared for and ear scritches on demand. Give it a try! Plus, if you’re feeling lazy, your human friend’s head or shoulder makes a perfect place to rest while they can do the walking around for you. There are benefits to being a small cute thing.
And there are benefits to being small in general. Accidentally lock yourself outside the house? Find a chimney or another small hole to squirm your way back into in squirrel form and unlock it from the inside. There are a number of situations where being able to fit through small tight spaces might be useful, extending from basic things like finally being able to clean that hard to reach spot behind the fridge, to more severe scenarios like being able to find a small hole to escape a rock slide while out hiking. Squirrels are basically infiltration experts, and the only thing keeping normal squirrels from getting into literally everything is that they don’t possess human level self-awareness. For what squirrels have in mathematical ability, they lack in the ability to reason.
Our friendly lawyers–who definitely care about your best interest and not just protecting the company-do have a warning they would like us to insert here. Because in squirrel form you can basically get into anything, some of you may have thoughts about how easy it might be to sneak into a neighbor’s house or a bank and steal things. Weresquirrel powers should never be used for evil, especially if said evil is illegal and can be traced back to us giving you the idea in this pamphlet. Therefore, we have told you stealing and trespassing are both wrong, and thus the writers of this pamphlet and the company who distributes it are not legally responsible for actions you may take that are not in accordance with the law.
With that out of the way, let’s get back to discussing your perks. Because we’re going to end this section with the biggest perk of them all. Tired of getting the sniffles? Well, you can look forward to almost never being sick again! Being a weresquirrel makes you both a human and a squirrel, giving your body a unique physiology. Your body is physically incapable of contracting any illness unless it affects both humans and squirrels. Anything that only affects one or the other, you’re immune to. In addition, you’ll heal from most wounds quickly, and changing form can heal all but the most grievous of wounds in an instant. Remember the comment about the dentist earlier? This includes taking care of everything that’s a part of your body. You’ll always have flawless teeth. (Though you may be slightly bucktoothed from now on.) Your skeleton will be in good shape, and you’ll never have to take a sick day again. Which is good, because you’re probably going to want to use those sick days on nights where the moon is full, especially if you work a late shift. Having to stay late for work on the night of a full moon and suddenly transforming in front of your coworkers is seldom a pleasant experience. And don’t worry too much about suspicion. Most humans don’t have the lunar calendar memorized, so aren’t going to even notice that you take every full moon off. The ones who do notice will in all likelihood — due to a lack of education — assume you’re one of those slobbering dolts and start watching for wolfish behavior. When you display no such mannerisms, they’ll move on without much of a further thought. On one hand, it is a sad state that the weresquirrel, a much more creative and clever werebeast, is not as well known as those car-chasing idiots. But it does have its advantages.
Now then, nothing is perfect, and while being a weresquirrel is great, there are a number of problems you can run into with your new lifestyle.
The biggest problem to watch out for — as you may have already guessed — are predator animals. You may have a human mind, but in squirrel form you still look like a normal squirrel to everyone else, including other animals. The good news, you’re tougher than a normal squirrel, and so can likely injure many predators who would not expect it. Most predator animals, when faced with a prey that gives an unexpected level of resistance, will retreat and search for a dinner not capable of creating lasso traps tied to trees that fling them into the distance.
But there is one predator that will be more persistent. Those guys. You know who we’re talking about. Werewolves. Those inane savages seem to really have it in for us, possibly due to the fact that, to be frank, we’re way cooler and cuter and get on better with humans. Werewolves take exception to that. Perhaps it’s all the Hollywood movies that have focused on their type that have made them have an inflated sense of self purpose so as to think that they’re more important than they actually are. They’re territorial brutes, and they will give chase on sight. The best way to deal with a werewolf is to find a tall tree and get to the top of it. As we mentioned earlier, for some reason they have no idea how to climb. Probably using too much of their brain power on trying to figure out whose personal property to chew up and ruin next. If a werewolf has you cornered at the top of a tree, since it can not reach you, it is highly recommended that you berate the werewolf and remind them of their shortcomings, and that if they weren’t so thick they wouldn’t be foiled by a simple tree. You’ll find this is a great way to blow off stress. There’s nothing quite like talking down to something twenty times your size and then sitting there smugly knowing there’s nothing they can do about it. Supposedly, some weresquirrels are known to antagonize werewolves on purpose just for the opportunity to tease them. We assure you that this is a minority, and not a trend of the entire weresquirrel population that we purposely started and encouraged.
Another common problem is not being able to get back to your home or whatever location you secured your clothing before the full moon sets. Suddenly, you’re naked in public and in danger of facing not only legal charges but the general scorn of society. If you follow the other tips in this pamphlet the risk of this happening are minimal. But sometimes you get a worst case scenario and no matter how well prepared you are things don’t work out. So what do you do?
Well, the simplest solution is to simply return to squirrel form. If you’ve learned how to shapeshift at will you can just stay a squirrel during the daylight hours until you find a way to get into a private location or to find some clothing. This is usually the best course of action as it completely removes having to deal with anyone while you’re in human form and unclothed from the equations.
If you haven’t mastered the ability to change forms yet, either due to not having time, still needing practice, or this being your first transformation so just not had the opportunity to learn, there are other steps you can take. Here are some possible options you can pursue if you find yourself stuck naked in human form and having to deal with other people.
Claim you were robbed. Explain that originally they were taking your wallet, but you said something to make them angry, so they took everything, even your clothes and your keys. When asked for a description, claim to be too traumatized to remember anything vividly, and just give them vague descriptions of a wolfish attacker.
Claim that you have a sleepwalking problem. You’re lost and confused, you don’t know what you’re doing here or why you’re not wearing clothes. You know you have a sleepwalking problem, but you had never left the house before. You can go into details about how you tried to get treated for it medically but your insurance refused to cover it. Pretty much everyone is ready to believe insurance companies are the bad guy (and with good reason) and so likely to go easier on you. You may even be offered something to cover up with and an escort home saving you the trouble of having a second encounter or having to try to stay hidden as you work your way home.
Say you had been going for a swim, and something snagged on your trunks or suit and ripped them off. You must have swam around for an hour trying to find them but they were gone and now you’re stuck having to find your way home naked. Do note, this excuse only works if there is in fact a beach, a lake or another large source of water in the area for you to have been theoretically swimming in. This type of excuse will not work in the middle of a desert for example. But it might make it easier for you to plead insanity at a court trial.
Simply don’t get caught. You may be back in human form, but you still have squirrel-like reflexes, agility and senses. Be alert of your surroundings, possible hiding places, others approaching. Go into ninja mode and use your squirrel powers to get back home without anyone seeing you.
If all of the above fails, there is one last tried and true method. Blame a small orange kitten. For some odd reason, this almost always works. It has such a high success rate that even those wolfish brutes figured out it was a good excuse to fall back on.
With that we have covered most of the major pitfalls that come with being a weresquirrel. As you can see, the perks far outweigh the problems you may have to deal with. So now if you did not understand at the start of this pamphlet, you should understand now why we say congratulations to you on acquiring your new squirrel superpowers. There is a wide world out there just waiting for you to rediscover it in a new form, and see things from angles you never saw before. And you don’t have to do it alone. You can check online to see if there are any weresquirrel meet-ups in your areas that you can attend. There’s always safety in numbers and it’s nice to have someone who can show you the ropes. Plus, making friends with someone who is already a weresquirrel prevents any drama about should you tell them or what if they find out.
Most weresquirrel meetups take place in local parks. Though there are some exceptions. In areas with an enchanted forest, those tend to be the most popular meet up place for weresquirrels. After all, the fruit there is delicious, and it’s not like the nuts or berries can turn you into a weresquirrel a second time. So why not treat the enchanted forest as your own private paradise to explore and have fun in? Many of these areas tend to have some form of supernatural protection too, making them one of the safest places to be without having to worry about predators or normal humans. Any normal human who wonders in will probably become part of the weresquirrel community very quickly.
With that, we thank you for your time and reading over your pamphlet. We hope that this has been able to clear up a few things for you so you know what to expect and what you are capable of as a weresquirrel. We will also at this time also let you know that you can order copies of these pamphlets for a more than fair price off our web site should you have any friends who ‘accidentally’ become weresquirrels too and you need something to walk them through the basics. We also sell them in bulk! In case there was like some kind of weresquirrel breakout at a party or something. Not that we are giving you any ideas.